Tension

Our pastor talked this morning about the balance between righteousness and humility. His message was to warn Christians of being too righteous, being too wise, and beginning to 'look down' on other Christians and non-believers. He called the 'balance' tension, and I thought it was a good way to explain it.

I think there is tension in all things, tension between your wants and needs and other people's wants and needs. Tension between doing right and wrong, Tension between pride and humility.

It is so easy to make other's wrong. To judge them without realizing that we are hypocrites. When I was a little girl, I made a friend who lived on a farm. She told me about living life on the farm, how she had to collect the eggs from the chicken coup every morning and how they owned dairy cows and sold the milk. I thought she was wonderful, and I was so happy to be her friend. One day I was invited over to her house. I got to help her collect the eggs and saw all the cows. We even got to ride on a horse drawn carriage... well it was more like a cart, but I thought it was all awesome. I loved spending time with her, especially on her farm! I thought her life was perfect! That night at the dinner table her Mom asked me lots of questions. I answered her with the innocence of childhood. "No, I don't go to church". "No, I don't know where my father is, he doesn't live with us". "My Mom is divorced and I have a step-dad". "Yes, we live in the trailer court down the street". The next day, my friend told me that we couldn't be friends anymore. When I asked why, she said that it was because I didn't go to church.

I let this experience sour me on religion for years to come. I felt so judged and condemned by this family. But, I realize now that even today I judge Christians too. If they seem too indifferent to the poor, or the needy; if they seem to look down on me or others; I think they should know better. I think they should act better. I judge them. I become as bad as I think they are, and I definitely let my judgements get in the way of loving them. It is quite a conundrum. I am a hypocrite myself!

And so I notice the tension... the tension between loving fully and judging people. The tension between pride and humility. The tension between stating what I need and want in a relationship and making the other person wrong because I am not getting it. The tension between giving myself and my love 100% and waiting till the other person gives first. The tension between accepting what is in my life and wanting things to be different. Tension is defined in pysics as a force related to the stretching of an object (the opposite of compression). I think that is appropriate. It does stretch us and does make us grow and change.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Mother Teresa

Mom

My Mom passed away early Wednesday morning. It was a long, hard battle that she fought, but the end was so peaceful. She had been suffering, in more pain than I could bear for months. At the end, she didn't even know who I was, didn't know it was her birthday, and didn't know how to say enough is enough. God provided. God protected.

I was given a beautiful gift of one week in between crisis to figure out what I needed to say to my Mom to be at peace with her passing. One week of introspection and clarity. On Sunday, three days before her last heart attack that would steel her mind and let in the confusion, I had a conversation with my Mom that was unlike any conversation that we have ever had. I was able to tell her how I tried to take care of her and protect her, when I was just a little girl. Because of this, I was unable to ask her for help when I needed it most. I was unable to see her as the strong, powerful woman that she was. The woman who left her husband because he beat her. The woman who went out in the world without even a high school diploma to provide for her children. The woman who was not too proud to ask for help when she needed it. My Mom. I was able to thank her for doing such a wonderful job raising me. It was her example of motherhood that made me the mother that I am today. It was her loving hands that taught me how to love my children. What a beautiful gift! It is because of her strength and her commitment to her family that showed me how family is everything in life. Through her I learned to see God's beauty in nature and appreciate this wonderful world that we live in. Through her I was able to raise my kids in love and joy. She said that this conversation meant the world to her, and we both cried. I know that it means the world to me. and I will remember it always.

All year I didn't understand why she had to be in such pain. What was the purpose of it all. Why wouldn't God just let her go? But now I understand a little more. We were still getting ready to say goodbye. We were still holding on. She stayed and fought on until we were ready. She gave that to us, once more taking a stand for her children. Finally, we were ready to let her go in peace. She waited until all three of her children were by her side and then gently, peacefully went to heaven. It was the way I wanted it to be for her, not painful and not dramatic. Just her, saying one last goodbye with one last gentle breath. Beautiful and Sad and even Joyful. All in God's Perfect Timing.

Peace and Joy

An Old Friend

I have been in the work force full time for about twenty eight years and I have met so many people in that time. I have heard their stories and listened to their plans for the weekend. As programmers, we have to rely on each other probably more than some. We get called at 3 am and have to figure out complicated code. If we can't figure it out, we call our co-workers. If we are sick and can't get to the phone, we call our co-workers. And they call us when it is their turn. One of the guys that I worked with for over ten years died last weekend.

Jerry had a Harley in his parking spot and an Elvis clock in his cube. He always had a joke or a story, but he wouldn't always tell me punch line, if he thought it was too off color. He was what they call a 'character'. We would trade good natured zings at each other, and laugh... a lot. He was like the little brother that I never had, even though he was actually older than me, always ready to tease me like little brother's do. He sometimes would get on my nerves. I'm sure I sometimes got on his nerves too. There is not much privacy in our cube environment.

He was a 'good programmer', which is high praise in my circle. He and I were the only ones that could decipher ARD140, a monster of a program, with unintelligible field names and spaghetti code. If this program went down, I didn't have the luxury to wait till I'd had my morning coffee and a clear mind to fix it. I sometimes called Jerry. He sometimes would call me.

Jerry worked hard, met his deadlines, and wrote his lines of code. He also had a problem with alcohol. He had a couple DUI's and had to get a ride to work for awhile. People tried to help him, tried to talk to him. He seemed to do better. He seemed to be ok. He came to work everyday, year after year. He remodeled his house, went to Sturgess every year. He saved his money faithfully and was able to retire 'early'. He was so excited to be out of the race! But, without work as his anchor, Jerry seemed to struggle more and more. A while ago I heard that he had fallen and was really hurt. He had to be hospitalized and go thru physical therapy. Then, last week I heard that he was gone. I don't know what the cause of death was. It doesn't really matter. I am sad. He was a good programmer... and a good guy.

Late New Years Resolutions

I actually started some new goals at the beginning of the school year in Sept. I actually reached one of them, and have a good start on another one. But, I have been 'getting ready' to start on my exercise goal. I have been getting ready, and getting ready, and getting ready. But I haven't actually started. The starting is so difficult for me. I have all the excuses in the world that keep me from starting. I have my health issues that make me so tired all the time and my schedule that keeps me so busy that I can't schedule in time to exercise. Every day I come up with a new plan, a new strategy that doesn't work. I move my alarm clock all the way across the room so that I will get up earlier and go workout before work, only to get out of bed time after time to hit that snooze until it is too late to get to work on time AND get a workout in. I tell myself I will go after work, but once I come home I am so exhausted, that I don't go. One night last week, Adam actually dragged me out of the house (literally dragged me! I didn't know he was that strong!), and I went only to have to leave after a short 20 minute workout due to asthma. It seems that everything is against me starting.

But, I got good news from my doctor. There are two possible reasons for my tiredness, and so I am hopeful that this will be the thing that will give me that extra boost! With hope, I started my exercise regiment today. With hope, I will go again tomorrow. And, I know that once I begin, once I start and get into a routine, it will get easier and easier and I will make it! With hope, I will get new medicine that will give me much needed energy. I have 10 months to train for my marathon! I want to do this so much! For me, For Ross, and For Kelly. Please God, give me the energy and the hope to start! I know that once I get going, I can take it from there!